How to keep your cool when someone ghosts on you

The “going MIA” approach to ending a relationship has stopped being the exception to the rule and instead seems to have become the norm.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually thoroughly impressed when someone takes the time to break up with me in the good old-fashioned way – by, you know, actually breaking up with me.

When someone ghosts you, it can be totally demoralizing, but here’s how to get over it.

1. REMIND YOURSELF THAT IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

When someone rejects you, even in a totally passive way like when they ghost – often our first impulse is to play the blame game. Ghosting usually incites reactions like, “What’s wrong with me?! Did I do something? No, really. What did I do wrong?” Here’s the simple answer: nothing. If someone decides to ghost you, it’s not your fault. In fact, rejection often has more to do with the one doing the rejecting than the person on the receiving end.

2. UNDERSTAND THAT IT’S ALL ABOUT FEAR

Ghosting is all about fear. Sharing your feelings can be really, really scary – especially if it means you might hurt someone else’s in the process. People ghost on each other because they’re afraid of those moments of confrontation. No one wants to be the bad guy, so it’s easier to ghost than have an awkward conversation. Ghosting is about fear and avoidance. Theirs, not yours. Remember that.

3. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

It’s natural to be pissed off when that person you were getting naked with last week has suddenly gone completely AWOL. You also might be tempted to send a passive-aggressive text or 12 (“HEY JERK. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WE’RE BREAKING UP.”) While your anger is totally justified and you should stand up for yourself, engaging with the other person this way isn’t going to make you feel any better. I promise. Choose acceptance over creating drama. Remember: This is on them.

4. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get out of your own head. Text your girls, make some plans, and go out! Get dressed, leave the house, and laugh with the people who know you best and who always know how to cheer you up when you’re feeling down. You’d be amazed at how easy they make it to forget the jerk who ghosted you.

5. PRACTICE SELF-CARE

This sounds corny and new agey but it’s so important, especially when you’re feeling emotionally fragile. When someone ghosts you, you’re left without an explanation or closure and that can leave you feeling out of sorts. Restore your equilibrium by really spending time with yourself. Meditate, take a long bath, go for a run, whatever it is that makes your soul feel nurtured.

6. RESIST THE URGE TO THIRST TRAP

I know it would be so easy and feel so good to put on your sexiest outfit, take some bomb selfies, and plaster your Instagram with those pics on the off chance he sees them and suddenly realizes what he’s missing, but don’t. First of all, this is petty and you’re above that. Second of all, it will only send you further into your depression style if he doesn’t see them/react to them, and you’ll be left feeling worse than you did before you posted. If you’re going to post hot selfies, make sure it’s for you and no one else.

7. DON’T STALK HIM ONLINE EITHER

When someone ghosts you, you have no idea what they’re up to in life or what they’re thinking, where they’re going, who they’re spending time with. You could easily find out, of course, by hitting up their social media accounts and scrolling through their feed for hours on end, but again, don’t do it to yourself. This will not make you feel any better. In fact, you’ll feel worse, especially because you’ll be feeding the beast of what will turn into an ongoing obsession and keep you from truly moving on.

8. BE THE BIGGER PERSON

If you must say something, keep it short, sweet, and mature. A simple, “Judging by the radio silence, it seems as though you’re not interested in dating anymore. That’s OK, however, I would have appreciated you just being honest with me” text will go a lot further than unleashing your rage. Save that for a vent fest with your favorite lady friends that also includes bottomless mimosas. Trust me.

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